Give Your Best Anyway

I have been listening to Eva Cassidy sing "Songbird", and so appreciating the beauty of the lyrics and her voice. Until today, I had no idea that Eva Cassidy was dead, and that, at the time of her death, she was virtually unknown outside of the state of Washington, where she was born. The gorgeous album, "Songbird", was released more than ten years after her death.

I got thinking about what it must have been like for her to have such talent and yet to be largely unrecognized. What if she had given up and quit singing? What if she let the lack of appreciation for her talent dim her light? The world would have been a poorer place without the loveliness that was Eva's voice.

It made me think of the statement by Mother Teresa, which tells us to do what is in our hearts to do, regardless of response or lack of response. In her words:

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." ~ Mother Teresa

I think she is stating a great truth here: that we need to listen inside, act accordingly and let go of what the outcome around us might be.

Here is a link to listen to Eva Cassidy sing "Songbird":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFFo1pu4q7Q

May you too sing your song today, whatever it may be.

Make a Leap Sideways

On the nights when I have insomnia, I always watch "The Dog Whisperer" with Cesar Milan. I find it very interesting and often see parallels with how we are as humans. One parallel that always strikes me is the need for us to be our own "calm and assertive pack leader", which I think is another way of saying "be your own best friend".

In the last episode, I watched how Cesar dealt with a dog which was in attack mode. He didn't pull the dog back, but rather he pulled the dog sharply sideways. He said that if you pull a dog back, it just creates resistance and more determination in the dog to accomplish its current mission. On the other hand, pulling the dog to the side changes its state of mind altogether.

I thought about how similar it is for humans. How do you react when someone tries to pull you back from something you want to do? If you are like most of us, you react like the dog and become more determined to accomplish your existing goal.

Very often with my clients, I notice that they try to solve whatever their challenge of the moment is by doing a slightly different version of what they did the day before. A little tweak here and there, but rarely making a radical change. This is because they continue to look from the same point of view rather than changing their perspective.

Clients often tell me that the greatest gift they experience when working with me is that their point of view is radically altered, like seeing from a helicopter after being stuck in the forest forever. A different viewpoint automatically yields different solutions.

I recently watched a most enlightening video about the current state of the planet and where our present trajectory will take us. The speaker, Chris Turner, states the reasons he thinks humanity is at a turning point, and where we will be if we keep doing what we are doing. But then he describes the exciting future we can create if we are able to take off the blinders that we have worn since the industrial revolution, and make a radical leap sideways to a different plan altogether. His vision is hopeful and inspiring, and you can check it out at this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prGdWKod7r4&feature=player_embedded

Change in the world and in our personal lives may be possible if we explore different points of view, and that exploration can be a great adventure. As Helen Keller said "Life is either a grand adventure, or nothing at all."

Are you laughing?

On my wall, I have a wonderful photo of two Tibetan monks, heads thrown back in paroxysms of laughter. The person who took the photo told me he had never met people with more simple joy bubbling up all the time. Yet these monks live with virtually no amenities, never mind luxuries. What they do have is a sense of connection with Life as they understand it, and the community in which they have chosen to live.

I think that in North America, it is important for us to ask ourselves some simple questions: "What really makes me happy? What causes me to throw back my head in helpless laughter? What gives me a sense of inner "glow"?"

If we aren't as happy as we would like to be, it is important to get a conscious understanding of why this is rather than to keep doing what we have always done. There is a great quote which says "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

For most people, answering the question of what really makes them happy involves examining what they truly value. A simple way to do this is to imagine your life without each of the elements which make it up. You may find, as many other people have, that the thing you take most for granted is the thing that takes your breath away when you think of losing it.

So what are you paying most attention to in your life? To what do you give most of your time? When we organize our lives so that we give a significant percentage of our time to those things we value the most, there is less liklihood of losing them, and less regret when we do.

We Are Making a Silk Purse from a Sow's Ear

Many people, myself included, believe there is a movement afoot toward a revolution in consciousness - one that will result in a kinder, gentler world - a world based in cooperation vs. competition. Clearly, there are many appearances to the contrary, around every corner in fact. Unimaginable cruelty abounds, and inequality remains the order of the day. However, alongside, underneath, next door and on the other side of the world, amazing things are happening. Change is happening. Shifts are happening. Love is peeking through in unexpected places.

Deepak Chopra explains a wonderful metaphor for his view of the coming revolution in consciousness in his description of "imaginal cells" which cause a caterpillar to become a butterfly. When the caterpillar is ready to transform into a butterfly, it begins to eat voraciously, creating a soup inside its bloated body which becomes nutrition for the imaginal cells which begin to cluster together, feeding off the surrounding soup. When enough imaginal cells are clustered, suddenly, the transformation to a butterfly takes place. This is such a hopeful and optimistic view of the challenging times we find ourselves in, yet to those of us who are actively taking part in what we believe to be a renewal of the earth, it seems very plausible.

You can hear Deepak talk about imaginal cells at the end of first link below, and the beginning of the second link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aweL5Z-IPU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNTvVS4hzbY&feature=related

The Bigger Picture

After my last blog post, someone suggested that being a member of an exclusive club of some sort would adequately meet the need to feel connected. However, I don't think that is true. I believe that the deeper human need is to feel part of the whole, not part of a part of the whole! I believe there is a human longing to experience a connection to humanity.

Feeling part of an exclusive club of some sort gives us a pseudo feeling of connection, which is much better than feeling isolated, but it does not meet the deeper need of feeling part of a meaningful whole. Feeling that humanity functions in some mysterious way as a unit, gives us a deep sense of meaning and safety in life.

For this reason, it is most helpful for each person to figure out what the "bigger picture" is for their life, and how that fits into humanity's bigger picture. What are you here to do? What is in you to do? When you figure that out, you will be significantly closer to understanding what life is all about, and what your part in it is.

The Importance of Community and Connection

Marketing experts tell us that the deepest need of every human is to find their "tribe": a group of people with whom they feel an affinity, by whom they feel validated, and of which they feel a part. The fundamental concept is that we need inclusion and pointing the way to that feeling is a very powerful marketing tool.

We are encouraged to join the group that drinks Coke, uses an IPhone or drives a Toyota which, the ads subtly promise, will make us happy. Interestingly though, in our culture, it is "exclusivity" which is the hallmark of success. The more exclusive the club, vehicle or neighborhood with which we are associated, the more successful we are considered to be. The biggest house with the fewest people living in it is a powerful hallmark of success. So we have a problem, in that we have a deep psychological need for community and inclusion, but our success markers encourage isolation.

Mother Teresa is quoted as saying that, in India, people may be starving, but they are not lonely. Of the two conditions, she believed loneliness was the more painful, and one that is rampant in N. America. I think that is true.

I believe part of the reason we are lonely is because we have put so much emphasis on the left brain, or linear, view of things. The linear approach to life takes things apart, separates and isolates in order to gain understanding. We learned to do this early in school laboratories, and later in debate clubs, and always in competitive sports. We are always looking for who and what is better, and comparing ourselves to some standard to see whether we measure up. In many ways, Western culture has emphasized individuality and minimized the importance of community. This, combined with exclusivity as an indicator of success, has caused us deep psychological distress.

In the book "Touching", anthropologist Ashley Montagu describes the healthiest cultures as being those which are community oriented, with a great deal of physical contact - even to the point of sleeping in "puppy piles". In some cultures, babies are swaddled in constant contact with the mother from birth until they are able to walk. There is an often quoted African proverb which says, "It takes a village to raise a child." In many African traditions, the whole village was indeed involved in raising each child. Very different than in N. America.

Recently, science has begun to support anthropological research regarding the importance of community in the lives of individuals. In a rather remarkable video, the importance of community was clearly illustrated by a leading edge group of scientists. And emphasis was not just placed on the importance of community, but rather the actual understanding that we are all connected at an unconscious level, and need to make that connection conscious and to act on it if we hope to achieve mental health, and, beyond that, if we hope to have a healthy planet. You can hear what they have to say on this link
http://www.oneuniversalmind.com/blog/interconnected-consciousness?ref=nf

It Will Never Be Like You Think it Will Be

In 1960, a little 7 year old boy named Roger Woodward went over Niagara Falls wearing only a life jacket. If you are like me, you are probably thinking it must have been a horrible, painful experience which he could not have lived through. Surprisingly, you would be wrong on both counts.

Roger describes his experience of going over the falls as floating on a sea of mist. Roger was only 7, and didn't understand what was happening to him, so he didn't make the assumptions that most adults would have made in that situation. He surrendered to the experience and landed safely at the bottom of the falls where he was picked up by a passing ferry. It was only later, when he flew over the falls in a plane and actually saw the distance that he had fallen, that he became terrified. Did I mention that Roger did not know how to swim?

I was greatly taken by this story and feel it holds an important message for us. It brought to mind deceptively simple statements by the Buddhist monk, Pema Chodron, in her very helpful book: "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times". In that book she talks about how things will never be the way we think they will be. We will always have a concept of what challenges will be like, but they will be nothing like what we anticipate.

The message is not that all "Niagara Falls" experiences will be easy, and therefore we shouldn't be concerned about them. Clearly, many of our most significant challenges are difficult and agonizing. However, Roger Woodward's experience can encourage us to stay open to the possibility that the huge experiences in our lives will be different than we imagine.

I am reminded of Deepak Chopra recounting stories of some of the cancer patients he has worked with and how they often often tell him they are grateful for the experience. One man told him he would rather live six months with cancer than six years without it. He said it gave him so many gifts, taught him so much about life and improved his relationships so significantly that he was grateful to the disease. Now that is something most of us would not anticipate.

There is a kind of openness to life which softens all that comes near. Roger had that kind of openness because he was young and hadn't as yet learned adult defenses. We, on the other hand, have the option of choosing that openness in the face of our challenges. I think it is an idea worth considering.

Hear the story of Roger Woodward's experience with Niagara Falls:
http://www.cbc.ca/vinylcafe/mp3/news/roger_woodward_story.mp3

Too Much Icing - Part 2

In my last blog entry, I wrote about my perception that, at least in North America, we are out of touch with something important and satisfying in life, so we try to compensate through activities which produce adrenaline. This makes us feel more alive, but in a temporary way that doesn't satisfy at a deep level.

On the other side of that coin are those who choose to numb out rather than over-stimulate, with the most common tool of numbing being the TV. There is comfort in the numbing out, and the comfort masquerades as satisfaction, but it is a poor satisfaction which can make us feel like we are sleep walking.

Beyond adrenaline and numbing out, at another level altogether is the experience of the mystic. A mystic is defined as someone who has a direct experience of the creative force, by whatever name you give it. One of the most famous mystics with whom many are familiar is the Persian poet, Rumi. When you read Rumi, the exquisite depth of his experience of life is palpable in his words. He tries to describe in so many different ways that life is rich and deep and delicious beyond measure, and he experiences that richness in elements as simple as a blade of grass. He can feel the pulse of life in that blade, and is completely filled by it.

How is it that Rumi can be filled to overflowing by a blade of grass, while we, in one of the richest parts of the world, feel no such fulfillment and continue to starve? I believe that the enlivening force within the blade of grass is what we are searching for without knowing that is what we are seeking.

We tend to confuse the feeling with the conduit it comes through. We think the feeling that we are looking for is in the new car, or in the perfect relationship or in the right job or in drugs, sex or alcohol. No one has ever taught us that the feeling is everywhere and in everything so we look in all the wrong places for that intoxicating spark of aliveness that Rumi describes.

Most of us lurk somewhere between numb and numinous. Most of us don't have the gift of the mystic to see and feel the ecstasy of life in every tiny thing. But knowing it is there, knowing that depth and richness is available, we are much further ahead in how to look for it. For most, it is not an easy search but there are indicators and clues which we can learn to follow.

It is a little like the "hotter, colder" game we used to play as children when leading someone to find a hidden item. "You're getting warmer - warmer, warmer! No, colder, colder!" I'm sure you remember the game. The clues are like that and feeling better is the guide. If we move steadily in the direction of what feels better, we can begin the journey. By feeling better I don't mean feeling stimulated, I am referring to a feeling of "rightness" inside which may be very tiny at first, but baby steps is all we need to take in the beginning.

We may not have the capacity to be a mystic, but everyone has the capacity to begin to see beauty in life and to be touched and fed by it.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs;
ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who
have come alive." ~Harold Whitman

Too Much Icing, Not Enough Cake

In my early life, the concept of too much icing was completely foreign. Surely the icing was the point of any dessert, with the cake being there only for support. But when I was about 10 years old, my cousin and I took a forbidden can of Eagle Brand condensed milk from the cupboard and sneaked out behind the garage to devour our treat. Surprisingly, half way through the can both of us had had enough. Neither of us imagined that we would reach the end of our ability to eat this ambrosia, but there it was. We threw the rest away.

Since the Eagle Brand incident, I have observed this phenomenon many times, in different forms, and realized that it is a good metaphor for our society. I notice it not only in my own life and the lives of my clients, but also see that it is pervasive in our culture. There is such a focus on entertainment and escape from daily life - it is evident in magazines, books, movies and TV, along with the increasing problem of the many forms of addiction.

We are clearly trying to get away from something, and/or we have become dependent on stimulation of one sort or another. As one spiritual teacher said, we are a society addicted to adrenaline. Why is this? My theory is that we are suffering from inadequate substance and meaning - the "meat" of life, so we try to find stimulation as a replacement for this meat and meaning. Unlike my cousin and I, often people don't realize that the stimulation is not meeting their need, so rather than stopping the attempt to find satisfaction in "sweetness", they escalate their attempts through trying more and different things: more violent movies, different drugs, more interesting sexual experiences, etc.

In my opinion, we are a society which is starving and continually feeding ourselves things which do not assuage our hunger. These attempts to find water in a dry well have become normal mode in our culture, and few see these attempts as signs of starvation.

However I do see it as signs of starvation, and I experience it up close in my clients who come to me, not because they think they are starving, but because none of their attempts to find satisfaction are working, and they have run out of options to try. They are thrilled beyond measure when they begin to discover that real food for the body, mind and spirit is actually available to them.

I believe it would be helpful for every person to look deeply at this issue and ask what would truly bring them satisfaction. Since many times the answer to that question isn't known, embarking on a search for the answer is a worthy endeavor. Is your life a satisfying meal, or is there just a little too much icing on it?

"Well I rocked with the cradle and I rolled with the rage
I shook those walls and I rattled that cage
I took my trouble down a deadend trail
Reaching out a hand for a holier grail
Looking for water from a deeper well,
Looking for water from a deeper well."
~Emmy Lou Harris

When Normal Becomes Precious

Some months ago I had the privilege of facilitating a few sessions with a woman who was in the end stages of cancer. Tethered to an oxygen tank and having had half of one leg amputated, she spent her days lying on her couch.

The week before she died, I asked her what she would most love to do if she could do anything at all. Her response may surprise you - she said she would love to walk in the park. Nothing grandiose, nothing expensive, nothing exotic - just simple.

It is very interesting to observe what appears to be important when things change, when life becomes threatened, when a loved one is lost. Suddenly, life looks different. I notice that in these times, people tend to value what was previously considered mundane. I remember a session I once did with a woman who had lost her marriage due to her having had an affair. She regretted her impulsive actions and was devastated by the loss of her husband. I asked her what she most missed about him. She said she most missed stroking his hair. Not sex, not exotic trips, not showing him off at exclusive functions - just stroking his hair.

It can be a very interesting exercise to imagine your life without the things you take for granted. Which ones would you miss the most and why? If you knew you only had a week to live, how would you want to spend that week? What would be the most important thing for you to do? Why are you waiting?

Consider this quote from Don Juan de Marco:

"There are only four questions of value in life...
What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living for?
And what is worth dying for?"

What are your answers?

What is Your Vison?

What is the vision you hold of yourself and your life? Sometimes women tell me they have no vision for their lives, but you definitely have one - the question is whether you are conscious of it or not, and where did you get it from?

Most of us were born into families which were less than 100% healthy, so the vision of ourselves which we absorbed from our family environment usually was not reflective of the best people we have the potential to be. Therefore, many, many people are walking around with a vision of themselves which is far less vital and vibrant than what is possible. So finding out what is possible is an enormous bonus for us. It opens doors and windows to fresh air and excitement. Sort of like having been in prison all your life and not even knowing it, but rather just assuming that the four surrounding walls are all there is.

I think that erroneous belief is responsible for many of our self defeating habits such as too much TV, food, shopping, etc. So asking yourself “who am I really deep down inside?” can start you on a journey to a completely different life. How do you know if you are in touch with that more authentic person lurking inside? Ask yourself how much joy you experience in your life. If the answer is none or very little, then you aren’t in touch, and another life is possible for you.

What are you creating?

When we begin the journey to create a life which is deeply satisfying, we are immediately led to look inside. Why is this? It is because what we believe about ourselves and the world has a profound impact on how we perceive and experience our lives.

No doubt you have encountered people who have little in the way of material goods, and perhaps live in very challenging circumstances, yet are happy and satisfied people. On the other hand, you may be one of the fortunate people who has most things in life you want and need, yet you don't feel fulfilled. It is possible that, in spite of what we have been conditioned to believe, happiness is not dependent on exterior circumstances.

Assuming this is so, it may be time to look at where fulfillment really resides. The great spiritual teaching "A Course in Miracles" says: "Unless you create, you will be unfulfilled." In my work with women over the past 25 years, I have found this to be true.

Creativity can be described as turning inspiration into physical form. This involves being available to feel inspiration when it comes along, and being willing to take the steps needed to make something out of it. This is most often not easy, because it usually involves digging pretty deeply inside yourself to figure out how to do it, and to find the courage to expose the tender belly of your inspiration to the outside world. The reward however, is a deeper knowing of yourself, and a profound sense of satisfaction.

Creativity helps us to feel we are a part of the flow of life, and to identify what our part is within that flow. Marketing mavens say that the need to feel part of a tribe is the deepest human psychological need. If this is true, then accessing our personal creative bent is a crucial element of finding our tribe.

The Sleeping Giant

"I have felt for many years that the single most important drive is to nurture other people. All of us have a desire to help people" ~Dr. Norman Shealy


When the Dalai Lama stated that the world would be saved by Western women, a part of me stood up and cheered because he was giving voice to something I had long felt, but not articulated. Maternal love is like a big net encircling the globe, but without the filaments connected. We are potentially connected to every other woman on the planet by our knowing what it is to nurture and cooperate.

When we acknowledge the transformative capability of that love - awaken, rise up and mobilize this sleeping giant - that net of love will change the face of the world. Western women can be the sparks which begin a massive movement for change around the world.

Who can you join hands with today?

Why Women - Why Now

I am often asked why I have chosen to work primarily with women - in particular, women over 50. This choice was based in the feeling I have had for a long time that there is a simmering caldron of potential change bubbling underground, which is the power of women to rise up individually and en masse to change the world.

I do not want to paint all women with the same brush, but I do want to say that it is the feminine qualities of nurturing and cooperation which I believe are going to come to the fore and begin to change the world in ways previously unimagined. As Carl Jung pointed out, these feminine qualities are also present in men, but they tend to be closer to the surface in most women. We have had more opportunity to cultivate these qualities through years of childbearing and rearing - we have more practice than men. Beyond that, women have been conditioned culturally to make a priority of building relationships, while men have been conditioned to build careers.

While one isn't better than another, the focus on relationship building is one of the elements which can make a very big difference in the world at this time, where so much division is taking place in culture and religion. We need to build bridges and to reach out all across the globe, to identify and encourage all the ways we are the same rather than focusing on how we are different.

When the Dalai Lama was in Calgary last year, he spoke of the need to extend maternal love beyond our children and to offer it to each other and to the world. We need to see every child as our child, so that any child starving anywhere is identified as one of our own in need.

If the nurturing capacity of women is moved beyond the home and unleashed on the world, there will be tremendous change. Women are beginning to realize this, and to recognize the power they have at their fingertips to work together to make a significant difference. They are beginning to mobilize.

Marianne Williamson is facilitating programs called "Sister Giant" http://www.sistergiant.com/index.htm which are forums to help women establish how they can create change. The group "Women on the Edge of Evolution" WomenOnTheEdgeofEvolution.com facilitates weekly calls with some of the leading female innovators in the world. Currently they host 35,000 women on each call, and their goal is to reach 100,000. Women are beginning to take note of what is possible, to get involved and to move forward.

In order to create significant change in the world through nurturing co-operation, we need to get clear inside of ourselves - to get unstuck from our personal issues. My job is to help you get clear and unstuck so you feel very good inside and free to create a life you will love. The joy of you living a life you love is a major contribution to the world, and a natural next step is to choose to join other women in taking direct action to impact the world.

This blog is about some of the elements involved in the process of getting clear. We have an incredibly exciting time ahead of us - it will be fun and deeply satisfying, so I encourage you to look inside yourself to see if you are drawn to develop your own inner resources and to be a part of creating a different world than the one in which we are currently living.

Introduction

This blog has been created in response to requests by my clients for more comprehensive comments on issues which have come up in counselling sessions. As such, this blog reflects my own opinions, based on my experience. I don't claim to be "right" about anything I might say here, rather the statements reflect my own best understanding. Comments and other opinions are always welcome :-)